Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Nope.

I've been meaning to review AKB48's latest PV, but I've just been putting and putting it off. Now with the recent attack on Kawaei Rina and Iriyama Anna and a staff member at a handshake event... I'd really rather not be reviewing the PV for Labrador Retriever.

But I have to.


And no, my reservations do not stem from two members getting attacked with a 20 inch hand saw. Speaking of that, I was just as surprised as other people about the attack... and yet at the same time I'm not. What really surprises me is that for such a famous group, something of this nature took so long to happen. As famous as AKB48 has gotten, I haven't really heard about any threats or harassment from their fans, or even people who aren't fans. I'm certain there are loons out there (that is a universal with any artist, idol or not) but never any that tried to physically attack any of the members. Well... until now. I haven't written about the attack, because there's really nothing that I feel like I can say. Other bloggers have expressed my sentiments. The only thing I really have to say about this entire incident is that I hope Rina and Anna and the unnamed staff member are going to be mentally okay. I know they'll physically recover, but someone personally attacking you is a very traumatic event. And I wonder how this will effect future events with AKB48 or even the relationship between AKB48 and its fans now. The attack burst that bubble of security and trust between the idols and fans, and I don't think that can ever be re-established again.

Now. As I was saying, I have been procrastinating on my review for Labrador Retriever. Why? Because I can't do it. I can't give AKB48's newest single my time and effort to review. It doesn't deserve it. Besides, you all know what I'm going to say. It's the same thing I've been saying about every other A-side they've released since 2012. And I'm tired. The passionate rage I've had for their recent A-sides and how awful they've been is just about gone. And all that's left is the exhaustion of writing the same thing over and over again. It feels more like an obligation than it does something I want to do. I mean, I could be writing about a group that I really like right now, or even an editorial that I've been wanting to finish these past few months. But no, I have to review effing Labrador Retriever, a song so bad it doesn't deserve my time. Bad songs can be fun to review. Hello Kitty by Avril Lavigne is a horrendous song, but it is such fun to talk about because it's bad in the most garish way possible. When something's bad, disappointingly bad, it's not fun to review. AKB48's A-sides for the past two years, with the exception of Mae Shika Mukanee and maybe UZA, have been disappointingly bad. And I just can't sit here and say the same thing I've said for all those bad singles again.

So I think... I'm gonna put AKB48 on the Idol Blacklist.

I'm not just sick of AKB48's music, I'm sick of AKB48, and no amount of waxing poetic about their good songs of the past can cure that. I have nothing against girls, and I respect how hard they work for such an exploitative management. In fact, it's AKS that I have more disdain for and all their pandering, desperate methods to juice more revenue, even at the cost of the well-being/safety/self esteem/health of the girls they're managing. I'm sick of the elections, the tournaments, the debate over "who should be center!?!?", everything with AKB48. And when you can't stand something, I've learned the best thing to do is just drop it. I don't want to use my words to waste time on something that's just going to give me grief when I could use that same energy to write about something I actually like. I'll still include AKB48's older releases in the Time Capsule Review pulls, but after Labrador Retriever, I don't plan on reviewing any of their future songs or music videos or discussing any Senbatsu news. I'll review Nogizaka46's and maybe NMB48's or SKE48's if they're good but no more AKB48. Because it's just the same thing with each new release and I am so, so burnt out on reviewing AKB48. But I did promise one last AKB48 review, so let's get this over with.

The only way I can find Labrador Retriever to be a decent song is by comparing it to all the other terrible A-sides AKB48's been releasing these past two years. So on that scale of terrible, Labrador Retriever just ranks as the least terrible. And that is pretty much all you need to know about this song. If you actually liked Gingham Check, Eien Pressure, So Long!, Sayonara Crawl, and Suzukake Nanchara (and apparently, there are people who do), then you will like Labrador Retriever. I do not. Yet I can't even hate this song, because this song may as well be a bag of air. There is nothing to it. Labrador Retriever is a song that lacks anything good; it is four minutes of nothingness. You may as well be listening to wind, because that's pretty much the same effect you'll have listening to Labrador Retriever. And yet I know that people will still by this four minutes of nothingness that calls itself a song; in fact, over 1 million people already have. Obviously, it's just for the Senbatsu election, and even then, I highly doubt many people buy AKB48 singles for the song quality. All right, I got nothing else on Labrador Retriever. It's a lifeless song that I intend on forgetting very soon.

Okay, time to screencap the PV. Yay. I can hardly wait. Let's just get this over with.


The PV starts off with a woman pouring dog food. How promising.


Meanwhile, Mayu's in bed, dreaming of when AKB48 had better music.


There's the titular Labrador Retriever. Luckily, I'm a dog person.


And here's the dance shot that looks exactly like AKB48's last two summer dance shots only with different bathing suits. Joy.


Oh boy, I wonder which three members will win top three in the Senbatsu Election.


What a clever and subtle way of projecting fanservice to the audience.


Shots of idols having fun doing summer activities. How nice.


More summer activities. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo.


Well to be fair, they're having more fun than I am right now.


I love how no one's ever in sync in AKB48's summer music videos.


The lab is back. No doubt to beg for hot dogs.


Oh my god, it's been two minutes, and she's still pouring that dog food!?


I know AKB's idols advertise a lot of products but dog food? Really???


That's a fancy collar for a dog.


I guess Mayu and her dog have matching necklaces? That's not completely implausible.


Some A+ choreography going on back there. It puts Perfume's to shame.


Ew ew ew NO. I don't even let other people lick my ice cream, why would you let a dog!?


Why would you like it afterward!? That is unsanitary on so many levels.


God, I've seen the "idols in the back of a truck" in so many summer PVs by now that it's probably a trope.


I don't care how cute the dog is, it doesn't save the PV.


Although I will admit I chuckled at this one part. Just this one part.


Ack! I'm getting war flashbacks to Yurushite Nyan!


I guess they're all gonna follow the lab becuase... the plot demands it?


Wait a minute. What's going on?


Did they... all just turn into dogs?


WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?


This is stupid. This so, so stupid.


And no amount of cute doggies can't not make this stupid.


This is the worst plot twist ever.


And then Mayu barks at the end because... because fuck dignity, that's why!

I probably could have picked a better summer PV to kick off idol summer with, but I didn't want an AKB48 PV to be my 100th PV review. That being said... what the fuck did I just watch? I mean really, what was that? Is this PV saying that the members of AKB48 are dogs? Why did Mayu bark at the end? Why did the producers take the simplest concept and turn it into the weirdest, most awkward AKB48 PV I've reviewed? I guess I can say that the PV is... memorable. And different. And not your average summer PV. But honestly, I would have taken a generic summer PV over this, because this PV is just ridiculous. And not the fun kind of ridiculous. The song is called Labrador Retriever, so I figured that yes, there would be a labrador retriever in the PV. And having other dogs in the PV is also nice. I love dogs. Dogs are wonderful. I have a dog. But... this PV is so stupid. The conclusion is absolutely stupid, and makes everything building up to it even stupider. Why couldn't the girls have just danced with the dogs and call it a day? Why did they have to show the girls pretending to be dogs and licking/barking/sniffing/doing other dog things with their other selves?

I have reviewed some weird PVs, and they tend to fall into two categories: weird in a fun way or too weird to actually enjoy. Labrador Retriever's PV falls into that category. The creative decisions made with this PV baffle me. I want to know who thought this entire PV was a good idea and why, because I am at a loss for theories. I guess logic was that everyone loves dogs and wotas love idols in bikinis so why not combine them both as some mass-marketing ploy? I mean, does it even really matter what creative concept behind the summer PV was? Does anyone of AKB48's intended demographic really care about that? Well, I know that I do not care about this PV. I still think it's an awful, strange PV that makes zero sense concept-wise. Nonetheless, I don't care about this PV. I'm going to forget about it the moment I hit publish on this post. Because while Labrador Retriever is weird, it's still too boring to be memorably weird. Sort of how AKB48's music sucks but it's still to boring to be memorably suckish. All right, I think I'm gonna wrap the review up here. There is literally nothing else I can say about the PV for Labrador Retriever, and I'm ready to get this review over with. My final verdict is this PV is dog shit, and the only reason to watch it is if you're really itching to see your oshimen in a bikini.


One apple and only because I have a soft spot for dogs. Other than that, I do not give a shit about Labrador Retriever, and I'm glad to be done with it. Welcome to the Blacklist, AKB48. Enjoy your stay, because it looks like you're going to be on it for a long, long time.

17 comments:

  1. Wait you know that
    1 million sales doesnt mean 1 million people bought it
    Right?
    And otakus doesnt care about AKB48 songs so AkiP can make a shit music and still can sale so much

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah... you're right, it doesn't! But still... those numbers... 'Tis a bleak industry this one.

      Delete
  2. Why don't you start to review some stages song?
    A-sides of AKB nowadays are nothing than the stage songs Aki-P made for AKB.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nah, I don't really feel up to that. But thanks for your suggestion.

      Delete
  3. Handshake events do attract unscrupulous fans. I mentioned the person who bought multiple tickets to denigrate a member and had to be kicked out in a struggle by security. I've heard about a member who mentioned people making rude remarks along the lines of, "I can't believe you were added to the group" at events. There's more, and the superfans probably know about them.

    Ayu's "Feel the Love" has become my go-to example for stupid, nonsensical PVs, but this one gives it some competition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes, I think I remember you saying that. I still can't believe that fans can be so awful to these girls who are working their butts off. I mean, I don't care how much you hate a girl, she's doing her job. There's no need to be a dick. Or go around stabbing people. Neither one really.

      I don't listen to Ayu, but I'll have to check that PV out! Then I'll judge for myself which of the two PVs reigns supreme as the stupidest.

      Delete
  4. hi!
    thanks for saying or sum up a lot of what I was feeling with this pv... I just couldn't believe my eyes that there are people that actually likes this song and PV (just check some of the rankings in Stage48 in the thread for this single)

    I for one liked the B sides better... B Garden (maybe because of the lyrics and the whole Ikotan) and Team A song (liked the concept)...the team 4 had this game to solve, so it was fun and team K loved the outfits and Sayanee and Jurina in it....

    the behind the scenes for Labrador Retriever was fun though.. the whole team surprise... how Mayuyu ended with the dog make up, Paruru messing with Yuihan's hot dog and the dance part (it is in the official AKB account on youtube)

    besides i got used to this song thanks to the AKB48 game app on the smartphone... played so many times... and gonna continue to play more until the event ends...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No problem! It's always my pleasure to unintentionally do that! I'm really surprised too, especially on the Stage48 boards. When they're not arguing about who should be center, they're arguing about the songs, yet everyone seems on board with Labrador Retriever.

      I haven't even bothered to look at the B-sides, and I don't really intend to. I saw a few previews on AKB's Youtube channel, but nothing grabbed me. Now with the whole Blacklist thing, I'll just take your word for it.

      Well, at least the girls had fun doing the PV. That's one little silver lining I suppose. I still can't like the PV though, nor the song. And I don't think I'll play the AKB48 game app to let it grow on me.

      Delete
    2. Iit is... I don't hate it as much as I thought I would though.

      Delete
  5. speaking of summer PVs, I think secret's Yoohoo is a good one. Since it is Kpop and released quite a while ago, i'm not requesting a review, but would you please tell me how you feel about it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just watched it, and I like it a lot! I love those "stranded on an island" concepts, and I like the way it was played in this PV. It reminded me of Gilligan's Island only with a K-pop girl group. And I love the twist at the end, that actually made me laugh! The song is cute too, typically cute, but not painfully bland either. Overall, Yoohoo is a very cute PV!

      Delete
  6. AKB48 6th senbatsu election result:
    1. Watanabe Mayu
    2. Sashihara Rino
    3. Kashiwagi Yuki
    4. Matsui Jurina
    5. Matusni Rena
    6. Yamamoto Sayaka
    7. Shimazaki Haruka
    8. Kojima Haruna
    9. Takahashi Minami
    10. Suda Akari
    11. Miyawaki Sakura
    12. Miyazawa Sae
    13. Yokoyama Yui
    14. Ikuma Rina
    15. Shibuta Aya
    16. Kawaei Rina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mayu won, I'm not surprised. Ditto for the high positions Sasshi, Yukirin, Jurina, Rena, and Paruru got. Sayanee being in the Kami 7 is a pleasant surprise though. Still, the song's probably gonna suck.

      Delete
  7. Why do you even bother putting anything akb48 when all you do is bash them? Good god it's why I stopped reading this blog.

    You are one of those people I don't like. That do nothing but bash AKB48 and call their songs bland and can't move over the fact that the OLD AKB is DEAD! Nobody thinks AKB48 songs are bland as of late. You just think that because you want everybody to believe your bullshit. Mae Shika Mukanee is NOT Bland, it must have killed you to say that you liked. This song is NOT Bland. Koi Suru Fortune Cookie, Heart Electric, So Long, Sayonra Crawl, Suzuake Nanchara, UZA are NOT Bland and why bother "reviewing the 37th single" because you won't like it and will call it "bland".

    Even more sad that you wanna use what happen with Annin and Ricchan as excuse not to review an AKB48 song. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean we know you don't give two shits about Annin and Ricchan (or anybody in AKB48 in general) but that's just low. You should just delete this blog because it's a joke. I'm sure whom ever you like you will turn on them and say that they are "Bland"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank god you have stopped reading my blog. I think I need to explain to you what my Blacklist is:

      If a group is on the Blacklist, I don't review them. I don't talk about them, and I mention them as little as possible in other reviews. As of this review, AKB48 is on my Blacklist. Anything current or future from AKB48 (including their 37th single), I will not write about. Time Capsule Reviews are the exemption, but other than those, I have no intent or desire to write anything negative or positive about AKB48 from now on. Because I'm not writing about them at all. I hope that pleases you, but if it doesn't, I am not bending over backwards to do so.

      If you strongly dislike me and my blog, then fine. That's your business. You have every right as a fan to express what you want, but likewise, I have every right to express what I want as a reviewer. And strangely enough, there is this thing called having an opinion. So you think AKB48's recent songs aren't bland? Great. Wanna write about it? Go ahead. But I've written my own sentiments, and I stand by them, regardless of what you or anyone else thinks. This is my writing, and it isn't always amiable. But it is my writing, and this is my blog.

      I didn't want to review Labrador Retriever because I felt that doing so would be in bad taste after the Iriyama Anna and Kawaei Rina slashing. However, I had other things to write, and I needed to get this review out in a timely manner. My apologies if it came off as crude.

      In spite of your profound words of wisdom, I think I'll be keeping my joke of a blog. If that upsets you, there's an x button. So long.

      Delete
  8. "If you actually liked Gingham Check, Eien Pressure, So Long!, Sayonara Crawl, and Suzukake Nanchara then you will like Labrador Retriever"
    gingham check is the sole reason I got stuck into akb world after years of ignoring them, sayonara crawl is pretty catchy, eien pressure also enjoyable, but maybe so long is the only bland on the list...
    But this labrador retriever thing is the worst thing ever happened to AKB48. I don't even know why this ever exists, the song and the music video... the worst ever. I must admit that 2014 is the worst for AKB48 musically and they also lost oshima yuko, that got even worsened with the assaulting incident... but they're good again in 2015, so I might still checking their stuffs
    I myself prefer nogizaka now, they consistently releasing good stuffs and most of the times it's better than the previous stuff, eventhough 4th and 5th singles would be unbeatable for eternity

    ReplyDelete