Sexy PV Week: Ayaman Japan

Well... here we are on the next-to-last day of Sexy PV Week. So yesterday, I looked at a rather obscure fanservice group titled Sexy All Sisters and their parody-styled fanservice PV, Bakunyuu Ouenka. Today, I'm looking at another parody-styled fanservice group but this group is slightly more well-known. But not by much. Yep, the sexy PV I'm reviewing today is Poi Poi by Ayaman Japan!

Okay, technically the title is Poipoipoipoipoipoipoipoipoipoipoipoi times infinity but for the sake of my mental stability, I'm just calling the song Poi Poi! Now sit down and I shall tell you the legend of Ayaman Japan! Back in 2010, when Japan was fawning over AKB48 and Nia was fawning over Perfume, this group made a small splash in Japan with, you guessed it, Poi Poi. From what I can gather, the reason Poi Poi gathered so much attention was because it was made by an idol group that -gasp- didn't act like idols! Instead, these girls were crass and rude and talked about dirty things like sex and... sex! And that's pretty much the schtick of Ayaman Japan as an idol group. But Ayaman Japan is more than just an idol group; in fact, the three girls who promote their music and image only make up a tiny fraction of the actual group. Ayaman Japan actually consists of over 100 girls and their purpose? To party with others and have a good time and get drunk and have sex! Or something like that!

The basis of Ayaman Japan is that they're an amateur group with no real agency that just goes around to parties and loosens everyone up with their fun and sexual antics. The catch is that in order for any of the Ayaman Japan girls to appear at a party, you have to know at least one of them. If so, then go crazy. So that's what the entire 100+ member group does but what about the trio that promotes songs? Well, the trio was first introduced on a variety show called Tonnezeru no Minnasan no Okage Deshita and as I said, before gained attention for being audacious and trashy in favor of cute and adorable like say, AKB48. So from what I've gathered, Ayaman Japan is basically BiS with more sex. And they're a parody group. But the real question is whether or not Ayaman Japan is a good parody group. Like I said, sexual parodies are nothing new for me and it takes a very clever approach to really grab my attention. Something that relies on just cheap-shot jokes isn't going to impress me. So is Poi Poi a well-done and interesting parody?

In my opinion... no.

I listened to Poi Poi once. Then twice. Then a third time. And then I realized something. I... hate this song. I mean, I'm not even exaggerating, I fucking hate this song. Hell, I hate reviewing this song because in order to review it I had to listen to it more than once! Okay, okay, I know what you're all thinking. "Ooooh, Nia just doesn't like the dirty lyrics! They make her sexually uncomfortable!" No, I don't give a shit about the lyrics but they only add to the shittiness of the song. Oh no, the biggest problem I had with Poi Poi is that it is fucking annoying. I mean, my god, this song is fucking annoying. The people who sing it are pretty much either A: Shouting or B: Talking in that high-pitched cutesy voice that I can't stand. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to endure cutesy-talking in J-pop songs? I absolutely hate it when an idol has a talking bit in a song where she either screams or squeals some random words. It gets on my fucking nerves; it's like hearing a bunch of little girls squeal at a birthday party. And since Poi Poi is 50% shouting the words "Poi poi" 40% talking in that cutesy voice I loathe and 10% actually singing, obviously that's a formula for disaster for Nia.

I mean... I am at a loss for words. I literally do not know how I can convey how much I hate this song; I can try and write out how much I hate it, but even then that wouldn't be enough to suffice just how awful I think this song is. And it's not even the lyrics that bother me; it's how they're spoken. Poi Poi is the epitome of an annoying song. I know I'm getting redundant but I just... I can't think of any other way to describe it! Oh wait, yes I can! This song is shit. Absolute shit. Okay, that's unprofessional, Nia. Hrm... remember how I said back in my review of Beckii Cruel's cover of Danjo how I disliked that song because of Cruel's lack of emotion and the constant repetition in the song? Well Poi Poi is the opposite on that scale of the bad song spectrum in that it has so much energy and sounds so irritating and repeats the word "poi" so much that it's still an equally terrible song.

So remember, readers. If you ever want to torture me, just lock me in a room and have Poi Poi on repeat. Or Danjo. Or the two of them mixed together. Actually, don't. I just might die from the horribleness of those two songs. Well, this is Sexy PV Week not Sexy Song Week, so let's get to the sexy PV and get the hell away from this appalling and disgustingly horrid song.

And so the PV begins with Ayaman Japan having taken over a news station! ...Maybe.

Then it cuts to them in a desert because they could only shoot the PV in the desert because everyone else found Poi Poi to be so annoying!

And now they're in a park because when I think about fucking, I totally think about parks!

Oooooh, bananas! It's funny because bananas can be used in SEX!

Oh wow, it's people who actually enjoy this song... what a surprise!

I will say, there is a nice variety of different sets and locations.

It's the pelvic thrust! I guess it really does drive you insane... or maybe it's just the song.

The fuck is with this background? It looks like a reject from Kyary's PonPonPon PV.

Well... at least the psychedelic colors distract me from the awful song...

Why does this dance move remind me of playing golf?

Ha. That's so hilarious. Really. I'm rolling on the floor laughing.

Wow, if you thought the green screens in Help me!! were bad... they still are. But these are pretty bad too!

Thank you for reminding me that boobs exist! Sexy All Sisters didn't hammer that into my head hard enough!

You know, maybe the people who made this were just high when they got the idea and in their high-induced frenzy actually ended up making Poi Poi!

...okay, I really hoped that guy consented to that.

Really? You're really humping a statue? You really thought that would be funny?

Are those kids? Again, I really hope the people in this PV consented to these girls coming in and terrorizing them.

Why don't they just go ahead and re-enact the Kama fucking Sutra?

Wow. That is truly comedic gold, right there. So original and so clever.

Okay, this is kind of funny. Not very funny but being melodramatic is always somewhat amusing.

Where the hell did the rope come from? And how the hell are they swinging across this area!?

The special effects in this are so groundbreaking.

So, Ayaman Director, does that tower taste good?

You know, if I wanted to watch a video filled with penis jokes, I'd just go watch Family Guy.

Just saying this again but... THAT FAMILY HAD BETTER FUCKING CONSENTED TO THIS.

Bitch, that llama ain't kissing you, his heart belongs to Nocchi!

Blinded by the light!

Ha?

What the fuck are they censoring when Ayaman Director's wearing opaque black tights. What's even down there, a gnome?

Speaking of Ayaman Director, god she's got a really long tongue!

That's right, take them away! Far away where I'll never have to see them again!

Oh lol this is soooo funny.

THE CROTCH CENSOR ISN'T FUNNY SO FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY.

Please tell me this PV's almost done, please tell me this PV's almost done...

I don't even know what the hell's going on in this shot but who cares? The PV is OVER! OVER!!!

I. Hate. This. Fucking. PV. I don't think I emphasized how much I hate this PV. I get what the PV is trying to do: it's a parody PV, I get that. I get that Ayaman Japan is poking fun at Japanese culture by behaving in a way that Japanese women don't normally behave. I get that all the blatant sex jokes in the PV are there because it's Ayaman Japan's "fuck you" to Japanese culture. But here's where the PV falls flat: IT'S NOT FUNNY. I don't find any of this offensive, I just don't find any of it funny. I didn't laugh one time while watching this PV; I didn't even laugh while I was screencapping the PV. Hell, I even found the act of screencapping this PV to be painful. I just... I don't even know where to start with what I hate about this PV. First of all, Poi Poi is nothing more than a PV that relies on shock value to draw its audience through the lewd behaviors and actions of the girls in it.

Now here's the thing: shock value can be done well. Take Brand-new Idol Society; I personally find them to be an idol group that handles shock value well and manages to draw in the audience for better or worse. But unlike Ayaman Japan, BiS has good music to back up the shock value. What happens when the shock value of Poi Poi wears off? I have to listen to a god-awful song and watch three insipid twats run around terrorizing other people and acting like they're on crack. And on the subject of the girls in this PV, there was always a moment where I wanted to punch each one of them in the face. But hey at least they match the tone of the song in that they act just as annoying as they sound. I thought the running gags in the PV weren't funny, the reliance on sexual humor was even more unfunny... in fact, I think the reason I hated this PV so much was that it was a parody that relied on toilet humor and sexual humor to be funny. Notice I said sexual not sexy; I didn't find this PV sexy at all. In fact, why did I even include it on Sexy PV Week? Why did I feel the need to torture myself like this!?

Now I know what you're all thinking: how come I liked the Sexy All Sisters PV when that was also a sex-related parody? I myself wondered why I had such a harsh opinion of Poi Poi and I didn't have one of Bakunyuu Ouenka when both songs and PVs basically have the same concept. Well... I think what makes me hate Poi Poi so much is how insufferably annoying and mean-spirited it feels. With Bakunyuu Ouenka, the girls of Sexy All Sisters came off as very melodramatic and tongue-in-cheek and they looked like they were having fun. The girls in Poi Poi come off as really rude and callous and the way they interact with other civilians doesn't look friendly. It's like watching a bunch of assholes mess with everyone else around them for their own sadistic pleasure. I mean seriously, some of the people in this PV looked really uncomfortable and honestly? If I was in their shoes, I'd feel the same way too. In fact, I would fucking hate if someone came up and started pelvic thrusting on me or doing anything else bordering on sexual assault. Yet in this PV it's presented as something that the viewer is supposed to laugh at.

I think we were supposed to find the girls' personalities and actions in this PV endearingly humorous. I don't. It's not cute, it's not funny, it's like watching an episode of Family Guy. It's like watching your friend perform a parody of something and said friend thinking it's really funny because they added a bunch of sex jokes into it when the end result is really a hot mess that you don't want to watch. I didn't like watching this PV more than once. I hated this PV so much that I think this is the first time where I literally had a hard time screencapping a PV because of how much I hated it. I mean, if you're into cheap-shot sex jokes, then by all means, you'll adore this PV. But I don't; my tastes are too refined and too mature to be reeled in by this piece of shit PV. I found it awful and I'm just glad that I'll never have to look at it again.

Because I'm a generous person, I'll give Poi Poi one pair of Perfume!legs. Just be grateful that I didn't go with zero because believe me, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I'm sorry, but the song is annoying, the PV is disgusting and mean-spirited, and I never want to see or hear Poi Poi again. I don't care if it's a parody, it's a poorly executed PV that relies on sexual toilet humor to appeal to fans. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the hell away from Poi Poi and throwing myself into reviewing the final PV for Sexy PV Week.